Tuesday 15 January 2013

Sarah's Parents Reaction

Ahhh, the parents' reaction to the engagement! I thought I would empty my somewhat befuddled head onto this blog post for those of you who have asked, and for those of you who may be interested.

As those of you who have followed us for awhile will know, my family (my parents)'s reaction to my coming out was not a positive one. In fact it was only a few months ago that I was once again requested to 'make sure nothing is put on Facebook' about our relationship. Strange really when my Mum was starting to hang out more frequently with us and I thought things were getting better. And she isn't even on Facebook.

Turns out it may not 'get better'. What gets better, or was getting better was the way my Mum was handling the situation. However, that was very quickly undone with one call on my arrival back from the US.

We knew it was coming,  I had been frantically checking my inbox to see what response my 'I'm getting married' email went down. Now I know email seems cold - it felt cold, but it also felt safe. Safe in the sense that there was no initial explosion, safe in the sense that if I was logged into my email there was no reaction and safe in the fact that I had been able to successfully say my piece without tears or upset. What I hadn't thought through was the nervousness I would have waiting for a response, any response - had she seen it, hadn't she. Should I send another one?!?!

Turns out it took 2 days to formulate a one line reply that included a recurring theme 'If you love us you will not put it on facebook'.

I have analysed, thought about, put myself in her shoes and done everything I can to figure out why others finding out would be SO bad. Would people turn up with pitch forks, would she be shunned by her friends, would our extended family disown us! And then I thought about the answers - pitch forks aren't very common so that's unlikely, her friends aren't on facebook, I don't see them so chances of them finding out are slim and even if they do - will they care?! And finally the family - well I haven't seen many of them in YEARS! I understand it is different for my Mum but again they aren't on facebook & I'm not sure they remember I exist so surely she can remain vague when discussing me. So very little drama that I could see.

So on arrival back, after a overnight flight from New York where once again Laura and I got NO sleep, partly from the screaming baby and partly because we once again fell foul of 'just one more film'. We wandered to the tube bleary-eyed only to go 4 stops and get told 'end of the line'.  The rest of the journey was a blur of replacement buses and tubes going 2 stops - it meant our arrival at the flat was a very tired one!

However in order to be able to fall asleep I knew I had to make the call to my Mum. I took a deep breath, had Laura sit beside me and called. It went as expected, lots of tears, lots of 'why do this to us', a lot of comments from her I don't wish to dwell on. She wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise. Worse still, the call ended with 'please don't discuss this again'.

couldn't go to sleep on that so I rang my English Aunt, I got a much better reception, lots of congratulations and excitement - she even cried (with happiness), and she spoke to Laura to congratulate her! My heart stopped racing and I was back feeling like I wasn't the worst person ever. My English cousins were great too - in fact, I'm not sure there would have been a different reaction if Laura was a man - and that meant a lot, especially considering I hadn't discussed it with any of them before, so it was a roll of the dice how they'd react.

Then there was my sister - she was happy for us, her support means more than anything. She wasn't happy for the drama it was causing with my Mum but she also has a lot on her plate right now so I understood.

And then I fell asleep. My brain whirring.

The thing is Laura has taught me to be strong, to not feel guilty and to be proud of myself and us. And I am. Wholeheartedly. And with this beautiful ring acting as a symbol of our unity I felt differently after this call with my Mum. I was no longer feeling devastated, I was feeling frustrated. Mainly at the fact that she hadn't said congratulations but also at the fact that she thought I should keep my happiness private.

I woke up and showered - I may not have been allowed to call so I took the decision to go on Facebook and come out. To do the one thing my Mum had feared would spark the end of the world as we know it. And NOTHING happened, as expected. As I'd told her all along.

Well, nothing except this:



I can deal with that!

But then the texts came - sometimes modern technology is a danger Imagine what you wouldn't say if in order to do it you had to stop and write a letter, buy a stamp and post it. The throwaway nature of a text is never more evident than when my Mum gets mad. Unfortunately the madness was aimed at my darling Laura. The most unpleasant and hurtful things that she did not deserve came through but Laura handled them WAY better than I ever could, standing up for us and not letting herself be bullied.

The next day I went to work feeling slightly drained, both emotionally and physically, but there is nothing like 300 work emails needing your attention to get your head focused. At lunch though I stared at my phone - should I call Mum, I debated and came to the conclusion that no action would be taken until I spoke to Laura. I stayed strong and it felt weirdly good.

Tuesday came and I still hadn't heard anything, this time I decided to have my phone off. I don't know if I wanted to hear; I wanted an apology, but I feared another call like before so I threw myself into work. Then on arrival home a package - I knew it was bad before opening it. It ended up being a load of bills/letters/flat stuff (from the property I let in Scotland, my Mum thankfully looks after it as I have very little idea of what my letting agent tells me in her Scottish accent :D ) my Mum had put a note in to say 'you can deal with it'. But no sooner had I opened it I got a call from her.

Laura says she's never been prouder of me at this point, but it's a blur in all honesty - I took the call and I stood firm. No tears this time. I told her I was happy and proud and the only person judging me was my immediate family, not everyone else. And then she said 'well thank you for not putting on Facebook'....silence...'erm Mum I put it on facebook on Sunday, like I told you I was going to', silence, 'did no-one call?' silence.......

And there we have it! No Mayan Apocalypse take two after all!

I think it really did take realising that no-one else cares for her to back down. (As Laura has always said, I have to give her credit!)

From then, I received intermittent texts, always polite and generally asking mundane things. The storm had ceased.

Those who follow us on Twitter know I headed home on Friday night as I felt I should speak to them face to face - especially as I hadn't actually spoken to my Dad since the announcement.

I played loud music all the way home instead of running through the numerous disaster scenarios that could be awaiting me. I arrived and nothing! By nothing I mean no explosions, I was hugged, welcomed, helped in and then given a Diet Coke. No drama.

That evening I was asked about the holiday - light and fluffy 'How was New York? What was weather like? What was the best part of New York? What did you eat? Was it like the films?' The whole time I could see my Mum looking at my ring. It got late so we went to bed. Nothing more than that.

When I awoke on Saturday things were still pleasant, my Mum said my ring looked very pretty & the diamonds were bigger than her eternity rings. I took the compliment. Then a few hours later came 'Well do you have any photo's?' I wasn't sure exactly what that meant so I showed her the ones I had on my phone - a mix of Big Jud's big-as-your-head burger and our engagement photos - no real reaction except 'that's nice'.

I love my parents but they play a good game! I swung between wanting to shout 'Can someone please say congratulations!?' to 'Maybe this is one step at at time'. I spoke more about America, I included Laura's name frequently, I wore my ring proudly the entire time and I didn't cry once!

Who knows where that leaves us, they are off on holiday for 2 weeks, one with my English Aunt and Uncle and one with my Sister & her boyfriend, I am hoping with those people as company they may be forced to acknowledge it. I'm not holding out for a congratulations but I am hoping the next time I see them I can bring up the wedding.

I don't think I/we are any closer to acceptance but at least for now the shouting's stopped. And I for one am making sure to enjoy the opportunities I do get to talk about the engagements and wedding plans. More and more I am accepting that only I can make sure I'm happy and I will stay around those who add to the happiness not those who take it away. I used to think that this attitude is selfish, but I now think it's best form of self defense and the only way i can protect my relationship and happiness.

27 comments:

  1. Oh girls, it hurts me that you have to deal with part of your family not being elated for you at this time in your life. I live in such a liberal bubble that I forget that this is still a reality for some people. I am so glad that you two have found each other, that you are each other's strength, and that you stood tall for your love and didn't back down. The only way the negative words will be quashed is showing that they have no effect. Love and hugs to you both - you are a gorgeous couple and I cannot wait to hear more and more about your Wedding plans!! xoxoxox

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    1. Thank you so much for you comment/message lovely! Please can we join you in your liberal bubble?! It's amazing how much strength Laura gives me though so I am very thankful for that! And for some reason having the ring makes me feel less affected by the negativity! Maybe it's because I can't stop smiling :) S xo

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  3. I am so proud of you to! I really am. I was tearing up reading your engagement story, because you both are so strong to stand up for yourselves and most importantly your love! I am impressed how unconditional your love for each other is! Even if your momma hasn't said Congrats yet... I will! ;) CONGRATS again.. :)

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    1. Thank you Miki, the congrats is much appreciated :) I guess if anything this proves we can handle any challenge thrown our way as long as we are together! Every congrats makes me smile though so i'm grateful for all of them! Thanks again! S xo

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  5. So sorry you have to deal with all that non acceptance. I give you credit for doing what you're doing and handling it like a mature adult. Congratulations!

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    1. Thank you for the comment and the congratulations, it is a shame that non acceptance is still so common and part of life but I hope that by showing people our happiness isn't we are hurting anyone we can make a small difference! S xo

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  6. Sorry to hear your parents are still being difficult Sarah, you're a very strong girl, hopefully they can learn to put their prejudices aside one day and be happy for you, in the end they're the ones missing out xo

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    1. I can't say I always feel strong but it's amazing what a great holiday and being proposed to can do! I am definitely feeling 2013 should be about positive influences and if that people missing out then so be it :) Sxo

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  7. Absolutely brilliant Sarah. You are an inspiration, I hope you get that congratulations. I'm in about the same position as Laura, Katrina's mom hates that we're together, and doesn't want Katrina to tell anyone. It's so hard for me to stand by and watch her mom bully her, always try to make her Katrina choose between her own happiness with me, or her mother's "happiness" (a.k.a. not having a "gay" daughter). She loves her mom so much and hates to disappoint her, but obviously... I'm not going anywhere. No child should have to make that kind of choice! I'm so happy you're just being who you are, posting it on facebook :-) and I hope hope hope she comes around sooner rather than later.

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    1. I don't know about an inspiration but i'm glad that me putting my, sometimes rambling, thoughts out there show others they aren't alone! Not that I like to hear that Katrina's having a similar experience, but I hope that in knowing I share the same feelings about being a disappointment it will help in some way! Thankfully we are lucky to have found partners like you and L! xo

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  8. CONGRATULATIONS!!!

    You're amazing!! Even in the face of negativity, you've remained so positive and open. I probably would have never spoken to them about it again, until they came around. But you are definitely the bigger/better person. :)

    I can't wait to follow your wedding planning. If you come and do it in Hawaii I'll officiate for free! :)

    Sounds like your parents are trying...at least they asked about your trip and wanted to see pictures. Maybe seeing how their world did NOT end, they'll soon be able to share in your joy. *fingers crossed*.

    Yay you guys!!!!!!

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    1. Stacy, thank you so much for your comment and the congratulations, it means a lot! As for being the bigger/better person I can't say i've always felt like I am being but L certainly gives me perspective! She'll be great when we have kids! But I too have my fingers crossed for a change in opinion sooner rather than later!

      That's so cool you can officiate in Hawaii by the way, we'll keep in mind :) And there will certainly be plenty of planning going on :)
      Sxo

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  9. You are not selfish, I hope your parents come around and realize how happy you two are... isn't that what most parents want for their children, I know that is what I want for both of my children:)

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    1. Hi Launna, thank you the reassurance! I also thought that parents were meant to want their children to be happy, but I did read a brilliant quote a while back that really struck me 'a lot of parents will do anything for their kids, except let them be themselves' - so true in my case! It's great to hear your children's happiness is your priority! S xo

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  10. This was heartbreaking, but you are amazing Sarah. It takes a lot of courage and you are so lucky to have Laura to support you through it all. Xoxo

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    1. Thank you lovelies and agreed I am one lucky lady to have Laura by my side :)Sxo

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  11. Awww I am so sorry that Sarah's mum took it so badly...you are both so wonderful for staying so,strong ... Lots of hugs xx

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    1. That's much appreciated hun! We're just hoping it gets better sooner rather than later! Sxo

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  12. My wife's dad and step mom reacted in a similar fashion. They ended up not being invited to our wedding because it was just too painful to even have dinner with them. They've forgotten my name, they've had to drink heavily when we are forced into a gathering (they don't normally drink), they didn't want to be recognized as the parents of the bride, etc. It was not a pleasant experience. Stay strong and know that the love between you two is worth it. XO!

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    1. Hi Leah, sorry to hear that you had to deal with a similar reaction and it went as far as them not coming to the wedding. I can, unfortunately, imagine something that like occurring. It took over 2 years to for my parents to say L's name instead of calling her 'the American' and she was banned from their previous house (no-ones mentioned it since they moved)so i'm sure there are more bad reactions to come. I think it's why I will proceed with caution when having expectations about them being at our wedding! Thank you for sharing- it's appreciated! S xo

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  13. Hey girls! I love reading your blog by the way... I am sorry that Sarah's mum took it badly! Your blog really helps me with being gay because my dad really struggles with it, and with your positivity (not sure that's a word but it is now :p) helps me to think 'so what' as such! You are both an amazing and strong couple and nothing will ever get in the way of that :) xx

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    1. Thank you lovely! It's nice to hear that the blog is helping. It has taken me a while to accept that you can't change how people feel you can only change how you react. Having wasted plenty of tears on frustration it's almost like a weight lifted when you look at the positives! S xo

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  14. Wow - good for you. Much of your story resonated with me - and I commend you for mustering your strength to remain poised and to deepen your patience. I also admire that you re sharing this on your blog - it would be difficult for me to air my stories (though, gratefully, the coming out type ones I have have resolved happily, albeit with a lot of work and struggle) in a public forum. It's even a little hard to read *your* stories, as they are so close to home.

    I enjoy following your lives, ladies and wish you all the very best on your continued journey!

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    1. Hi Genevieve, Thank you for getting in touch. I'm glad your coming out has been resolved happily, it's always good to hear. The blog, at times, has been my outlet and the fact that it has resonated or helped let others know their not alone has been unexpected, in the best way.
      All the best
      Sarah

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  15. Thank you for sharing your stories. I am so terrified to tell my mother that I have a girlfriend, but I'm beginning to realize that it won't be the end of the world, no matter what happens. As long as we have our loves we will be alright :)

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