I just did something terrifying.
Okay it's probably not terrifying compared to some things - okay a lot of things - but to me, it is terrifying all the same.
There are 3 things that scare me most:
3) Social situations
1) Obviously - I admire those who don't fear the 8 legged beasts, but ever since a Brownie trip to the countryside where I was told that people eat 7 spiders in their life time, I have never been able to be in the same room as them. You should see the scene when one makes a brave appearance in our house. L screams, I run away and Bisbee tries to eat it. We then nominate a hitter and a watcher - both roles are terrifying and carry risk - I would just rather they didn't exist!
2) Heights - I have no real reason for this, I don't think. I do, however, know that the fear was at its worst climbing St Paul's Cathedral 10 years ago - I looked down through the metal grated steps and saw death - MY death. I saw the stairs collapse and me plummet to the darkness below. Turns out that last bit didn't happen, but I thought it would, so I froze. With hundreds of tourists behind me. I couldn't walk another step - my body wouldn't let me - and no amount of moral support could convince me I wasn't about to die. So there and then, some random American guy picked me up and carried me the 20 steps to the top where I grabbed the wall in relief and hugged it for a good 15 minutes. Ever since then, grated steps or walkways are my nemesis. The grated walkout to the bungee swing in New Zealand was WAY worse than throwing ourselves off the platform at the end and swinging through the air. In the video you can even hear Laura telling off the guys who were bouncing the bridge for scaring me.
3) This one is just terrifying. Social situations - to clarify, this speaks most to social situations that require my involvement outside of the professional world. At work I am fine - I am Sarah from Unicorn Training - it's an act. I'm good at my job and can act confident, but outside of work I hate it. I can't think of anything to say, I get sweaty and nervous, and shut down - I often end up in the corner of a party playing with the dog!
So here's the terrifying thing I just did:
I SIGNED UP TO PLAY NETBALL! I start on Wednesay.
It's a social sport organisation that you sign up to for 8 weeks, individuals can go along and be put in a team to play against other teams made up of individuals or other teams that joined as teams. It means I have to:
1) Go alone - turns out Netball isn't big in the USA and therefore L has never played
2) Be social - or at least talk to the other girls I am put on a team with
3) Play sport - a sport I haven't played since school. Actually I tried to play once at Uni with one of my classmates - we went to try out for the Uni team only to find the team was pre-selected and they only wanted to 'check out' the new girls to judge - not fun!
4) Put myself out of my comfort zone, both mentally and physically.
I want to do it because I think it will be good for me. Health wise I need to do something to get rid off the weight I've put on post wedding and mentally it'll be good to talk to people as I work at home a lot and Bisbee doesn't talk back. And I'm sure there will be social benefits as L and I haven't really joined anything local to home.
So why am I terrified?! Well I've never had much confidence - I suffer from RBF (Resting Bitch Face) so I know I have to try to smile, if I don't I look like I hate everyone. I also don't trust many people so putting myself out there brings back the times I've been hurt or let down before. I went through a time of 'looking for the best in people' (especially when we started this blog and met people through it) but we've been badly burned by girls we invested in so I'm wary of trusting anyone new. It's hard to know how much to put into a friendship and new friendships are hardest of all.
Then there is the judging - what if I am terrible at netball, what if I wear the wrong clothes, what if I'm not fit enough, what if I'm the only one without a team, what if no-one talks to me - see it's TERRIFYING!
I know the logical response to all of the above is it'll be fine. I have read the website 40% of players sign up as individuals, it's for all fitness levels, most people haven't played since school and part of me is excited - I think, but right now I'm terrified. Have you ever put yourself in a similar situation? I'll be okay - right?