Baby Blogging: How Do You Feel About Going Back to Work?

With my impending return to work only a week away 'how do you feel about going back to work?' is the only question anyone wants to ask at the moment. On one hand I get it - returning to work is going to be the biggest change our family has been through. On the other hand I am doing my best not to acknowledge it. So answering the question is always a hard one.

For 9 wonderful months Annabelle and I have got to spend almost all day everyday together and I am working hard to convince myself that it's the right time for us both to take our next steps. My head says that it'll be good for Annabelle, nursery has the safe space to crawl around, the social interaction with the other kids, the opportunity to develop new skills. My heart just doesn't want to acknowledge she's growing up and already at the age where she needs to be out in the world.

For me personally I have been feeling ready to return to work for the last month. For me that feels like the need to have adult conversations, the need to feel like I am achieving and using my skills. I mean clapping and tower building are entertaining but I don't feel like I am putting my skills to best use. I also get the sense that my team are starting to need me at work, that's not a reason to leave Annabelle but it is assurance that I can also make a difference elsewhere. There are big changes at work, my company has just been acquired, and I want to be there. I want to be involved. Nine months has been a wonderful amount of time, I am so grateful to have had it, but it's the right amount of time to thankfully feel like I am not to out of the loop, or lacking the capability to jump back in.

In January I shared this post on my Maternity leave experience here.

Today, as I start to write this, Annabelle is at a trial session at nursery. We went as a family on Friday to spend time in the nursery space and Annabelle did really well. Within 5 minutes she was off playing with toys and barely noticed us sat in the corner filling in forms. Today did not start so well. I went into the room with her and another baby full on bawling had Annabelle on edge. I tried to be reassuring, I tried to stay calm and when the other baby stopped crying the room leader came and took Annabelle. I backed out quickly. Nothing. I backed up further....and the tears started. As I left the building she was full on sobbing.

Returning an hour and a half later the conclusion was that it did not go well.

There were a lot of tears, a little playing, some snack eating and then some more tears. Tears because she was tired. Tears because she didn't want her milk. Tears because she didn't want to be in the cot. Just generally a lot of tears.

I walked in when she was crying in the cot. As she noticed me she took a deep inhale, cried once more and then stopped. I never knew how conflicting it would be being the comfort that she needs. I love that she feels comforted by me but it is so hard to think that she needs that. I know it's just a phase. I know in time other people - especially her Mama - will also be her comfort. I know that before long she'll be racing into nursery to play with all the toys. But for right now it's hard. It's really hard.

And so to the other question that's come up 'what will you do when she's at nursery?'
Well I have partly answered that by saying I am writing the blog :) but in addition to that I plan to do household chores that are harder with the little lady on the move. Exciting right?! :D

We do this again on Thursday but for a little longer trial session. Fingers crossed it goes a little better. I am holding out hope that when she is used to people she seems to be happier with them so hopefully it's just a case of her getting used to the people there.

Bring back the smiles!

And so my answer, how do I feel about going back to work? I feel ready. I feel sad. I feel motivated. I feel torn. I feel determined. I feel a mess. I feel like there is no overriding feeling just a lot of feelings all at the same time and that I just need to accept that. I knew that motherhood came with it challenges and this was always going to be one of them. I just need to face it.