Drama, Drama, Drama! I was hoping to write this post with a weight lifted and with happy news but unfortunately that isn't the case. To explain further, I, Sarah, went home yesterday to share some of our wedding plans and to ask the all important question to my parents 'Will you be coming to the wedding?'
In previous posts you may have seen hints that we are in fact getting married in Idaho. There are a million and one reasons why we decided to choose Laura's home town and the fact that it is just beautiful for a Country themed wedding. I knew it would make things more difficult for my parents and I also knew it would mean getting things organised way ahead of our wedding date - just over a year away.
Part of the organisation involved finding out if my parents would be there as that would impact room plans, flight costs and just about everything else. I had prepared myself to hear that they wouldn't come. I knew after the negative reaction to the fact that we were getting married chances were slim. I had spoken to others who had a hard time with their parents and they all said that they're parents eventually came round and attended their weddings. As much as that gave me hope I didn't want to get my expectations raised, I was pretty sure that they would say 'no'.
I was right! I didn't just get a 'no', I got a 'no, never, not going to happen'. In fact when I explained some of the plans and how I would like them involved I got told that the only reason they would come is to kidnap me and make sure they were there to say their piece when asked if someone knew of a reason we shouldn't get married. With that reaction I told them not to bother coming.
The thing I really struggle with is the comments don't come in anger, they come with tears, confusion and frustration. My parents feel like they did something wrong to stop me being 'normal'. Should I not have gone to Uni? Should they have stopped me moving to London?! Was it who I hung out with?! When I explain that I was born this way they can't understand why no-one else in our family is gay, it therefore it can't be genetic.
They feel like I should have tried harder to resist, I should have fought to be straight, I should have tried harder with my boyfriends. Or maybe if I had told them I had 'gay feelings' earlier they could have got me help!!! They want to find a way to turn me straight.
And here's the thing: I want to be angry, I want to scream and shout at them for being ridiculous. They know they are alone in their views, that the rest of the family is judging their lack of acceptance but they can't change. They say can't, not won't, just can't. They say that the thought of us is disgusting and that it breaks their heart.
In loving Laura I have been accused of many things including being selfish but in truth loving Laura has been the best thing I have ever done. My parents are right when they say I went full-on into a relationship knowing they would disagree, I continue it knowing it hurts them and in all honesty, I am making my happiness a priority over theirs, and I will continue to do so. If that makes me selfish so be it.
Am I being selfish when I say I am relieved they aren't coming to the wedding, as I want to enjoy what will be the best day of my life so far? I want Laura to enjoy it. I don't want the worry of them standing there glum, not participating and not accepting causing a scene.
That brings me to now. What do I do now? I don't know who I am asking - I guess I am asking me. Laura is out tonight, and I am meant to be writing a letter to explain to my parents that I do feel let down and need a break from talking to them but right now I just feel numb. I knew what was coming - it's not unexpected, but what is is the fact that other than the hurtful comments they still tell me they love me, they support me, they want me to be part of their lives. They just don't want to be a part of biggest part of mine. So I just don't know how.
Can kids disown parents?
Maybe I am fearful of being the one that says 'That's it, all in or all out'. But then, what's my end game? I don't want to push them to attend the wedding for the reasons I've said, so do I want to give them an ultimatum? But I do want a relationship with my family, but a relationship that takes my whole life into consideration - not just part. I was hoping writing this post would help would get me to a point of clarity - it hasn't.
It has cleared my head though, I know I can't bury my head and ignore it. I need to talk it through. I just need to protect what I have and most importantly who I have. Laura is my future, my family and the one I am committing to. I need to do what's right for us. I don't want to hurt her by giving my parents time that I could be spending with her. How would I feel if she gave up days with me to spend with people who don't acknowledge me or our relationship, and say awful things about me?! Hurt. Disappointed. Let down. Sad.
The only conclusion I currently have is to put pen to paper and explain how I currently feel to my parents - explain that I'm confused and take time out from them. Clear my head. Decide what I want to happen. Could I handle cutting my parents out completely, even just for the moment? I know whatever I do my parents will accept. I know where they stand and I know that won't change. Maybe I just need to be brave. I am just not one for confrontation - how will I look back in 10 years knowing I cut my parents off. It doesn't matter who or how many people tell me it would be their own fault I still kinda feel like it would make me no better than them. They can't accept me yet they want a relationship. I can't understand or accept their behaviour yet I want a relationship. But how can we have a relationship that doesn't acknowledge my wife to be? Do I even want that?
Ah drama, drama, drama. I guess every family has theirs - right?!