Monday, 18 February 2013

Drama, Drama, Drama.

Drama, Drama, Drama! I was hoping to write this post with a weight lifted and with happy news but unfortunately that isn't the case. To explain further, I, Sarah, went home yesterday to share some of our wedding plans and to ask the all important question to my parents 'Will you be coming to the wedding?'

In previous posts you may have seen hints that we are in fact getting married in Idaho. There are a million and one reasons why we decided to choose Laura's home town and the fact that it is just beautiful for a Country themed wedding. I knew it would make things more difficult for my parents and I also knew it would mean getting things organised way ahead of our wedding date - just over a year away.

Part of the organisation involved finding out if my parents would be there as that would impact room plans, flight costs and just about everything else. I had prepared myself to hear that they wouldn't come. I knew after the negative reaction to the fact that we were getting married chances were slim. I had spoken to others who had a hard time with their parents and they all said that they're parents eventually came round and attended their weddings. As much as that gave me hope I didn't want to get my expectations raised, I was pretty sure that they would say 'no'.

I was right! I didn't just get a 'no', I got a 'no, never, not going to happen'. In fact when I explained some of the plans and how I would like them involved I got told that the only reason they would come is to kidnap me and make sure they were there to say their piece when asked if someone knew of a reason we shouldn't get married. With that reaction I told them not to bother coming.

The thing I really struggle with is the comments don't come in anger, they come with tears, confusion and frustration. My parents feel like they did something wrong to stop me being 'normal'. Should I not have gone to Uni? Should they have stopped me moving to London?! Was it who I hung out with?! When I explain that I was born this way they can't understand why no-one else in our family is gay, it therefore it can't be genetic.

They feel like I should have tried harder to resist, I should have fought to be straight, I should have tried harder with my boyfriends. Or maybe if I had told them I had 'gay feelings' earlier they could have got me help!!! They want to find a way to turn me straight.

And here's the thing: I want to be angry, I want to scream and shout at them for being ridiculous. They know they are alone in their views, that the rest of the family is judging their lack of acceptance but they can't change. They say can't, not won't, just can't. They say that the thought of us is disgusting and that it breaks their heart.

In loving Laura I have been accused of many things including being selfish but in truth loving Laura has been the best thing I have ever done. My parents are right when they say I went full-on into a relationship knowing they would disagree, I continue it knowing it hurts them and in all honesty, I am making my happiness a priority over theirs, and I will continue to do so. If that makes me selfish so be it.

Am I being selfish when I say I am relieved they aren't coming to the wedding, as I want to enjoy what will be the best day of my life so far? I want Laura to enjoy it. I don't want the worry of them standing there glum, not participating and not accepting causing a scene.

That brings me to now. What do I do now? I don't know who I am asking - I guess I am asking me. Laura is out tonight, and I am meant to be writing a letter to explain to my parents that I do feel let down and need a break from talking to them but right now I just feel numb. I knew what was coming - it's not unexpected, but what is is the fact that other than the hurtful comments they still tell me they love me, they support me, they want me to be part of their lives. They just don't want to be a part of biggest part of mine. So I just don't know how.

Can kids disown parents?

Maybe I am fearful of being the one that says 'That's it, all in or all out'. But then, what's my end game? I don't want to push them to attend the wedding for the reasons I've said, so do I want to give them an ultimatum? But I do want a relationship with my family, but a relationship that takes my whole life into consideration - not just part. I was hoping writing this post would help would get me to a point of clarity - it hasn't.

It has cleared my head though, I know I can't bury my head and ignore it. I need to talk it through. I just need to protect what I have and most importantly who I have. Laura is my future, my family and the one I am committing to. I need to do what's right for us. I don't want to hurt her by giving my parents time that I could be spending with her. How would I feel if she gave up days with me to spend with people who don't acknowledge me or our relationship, and say awful things about me?! Hurt. Disappointed. Let down. Sad.

The only conclusion I currently have is to put pen to paper and explain how I currently feel to my parents - explain that I'm confused and take time out from them. Clear my head. Decide what I want to happen. Could I handle cutting my parents out completely, even just for the moment? I know whatever I do my parents will accept. I know where they stand and I know that won't change. Maybe I just need to be brave. I am just not one for confrontation - how will I look back in 10 years knowing I cut my parents off. It doesn't matter who or how many people tell me it would be their own fault I still kinda feel like it would make me no better than them. They can't accept me yet they want a relationship. I can't understand or accept their behaviour yet I want a relationship. But how can we have a relationship that doesn't acknowledge my wife to be? Do I even want that?

Ah drama, drama, drama. I guess every family has theirs - right?!


  1. I come from a family with lots of drama. I know as much as you want your family to accept your life, it may be better if they don't come. Then at least you can enjoy your special day. Just know that you have done nothing wrong. I give you a lot of credit for staying strong.

  2. This blog made me sad. I know a little bit of how you feel. Last weekend I spoke to leannes mum about me asking here to marry me. I didnt get the reaction I thought I would. I'd always seen her mum as a second mum to me but her saying in her ideal world leanne would be settled down with a man hurt. I didn't expect her to say no she wouldnt be happy with leanne getting married to me. My heart broke.
    In that situation I learnt that it is not up to her. I know I make leanne happy and she bloody well makes me happy.
    If your parents don't want to attend your wedding it is up to them. I've learnt the hard way not to force people to go places they dont want to. It ruins your day and it will be the biggest day of your life and you dont need that ruined.
    It truly does suck that they are not happy about it but in the end do what makes you happy. My dad was not okay with my gayness so iasked him how long it would take and if I could do anything or explain anything to him, it atleast helped me with my expectations.
    Talk to laura I bet she knows you better than you do and will help you make sense of it all.
    By the way congratulations on the engagment I hope the planning goes well.

  3. I think you sound quite strong in this post. You've resolved to be happy and that is such a brave act in itself. Bravo to you for putting your life first. I know it's hard to do that with family. We're taught not to, especially as women. But at some point we have to put ourselves and our joy first.

    When Rebeca and I decided to have children, I made a promise to myself that they would come first. And if my mom couldn't/wouldn't treat them as "real" grandchildren, I would choose my children. When my brother had his first child, I also vowed that if there was even a hint of favortism, we'd move back to Colorado. They, my family, comes first now.

    I hope you are able to enjoy your planning!! This is an exciting time for you two. Don't let your parents take your joy. :)

  4. First of all my lovely I wanna give you a virtual hug! I'm sorry that it turned out the way it did, even if you were expecting a no as such? I think you are an amazing person! And I love reading your blog too by the way ;) you are certainly not selfish! I think that the love you have for Laura is something special and nothing should get in the way of that! :)
    I understand a bit how difficult parents can be, my dad is a bit of an arse when it comes to everything surrounding the topic of being gay, and reading your blog helps me with things like that because some of the emotions you write about I feel too! I worry he won't come to my wedding or treat our kids the way he treats my sisters etc but in the end it's him loosing out?
    I think that your day be perfect! And I am sure it will be ;) you two are such lovely people (I know I don't really know you both) but you really seem like such lovely people who deserve all the happiness you get!
    Love and hugs xxx

  5. I'm sorry your family isn't more accepting!!

    A great blogger, wrote a post this week about the progress she's made with her un-accepting, mormon mother. It might give you a bit of hope!!

    Good luck!

  6. Hi Sarah, Very sad to read this update and thought I'd give you some of my old Agentsmiffy advice that you can choose to take or leave as you see fit of course. I've seen several times now that you get your hopes up only to see them dashed time and again and I think this is just setting yourself up for hurt each time. There are many marriages where one family doesn't approve of the person you are marrying, not just gay marriages, but different ethnicity, different skin colour marriages as well. You'll never convince the other side they are wrong, and arguments only make things worse and entrench feelings on both sides. My suggestion is that you take the long view here, and by long view I mean loooonnnnnggg view, meaning many years. I think the only thing you can do is what you know is the right thing to do, and hope that over time, as is often (but not always) the case, the other family comes around. In the meantime, don't do anything dramatic like "breaking up" with your parents, just keep everything on the downlow, keep your expectations very low, live your life as you know you want to and what will make you happy. You only have one life, live it to its fullest, not to please other people. Eventually with time, as peoples views soften, as society continues to change and become more accepting, and as they see theer is no hope of changing your mind, then hopefully they will come around, but on your terms, not theirs.

    Your best bet, in my humble opinion, is to be quietly strong, undramatic, purposeful, and inviting, without expecting anything in return, as the situation pans out over the next few years. Take the high road and things will work out best in the long term.

    Hope this helps.

  7. My mum and dad did the same thing. I new they would take the news of me being gay badley, so when I took my gf Claire home they through me out 10 seconds later. They stopped all contact with me and now we see nothing of each other but because of this me and Claire have been together six years, have 3 amazing children and are getting married this summer.

    you have a right to be happy and anyone can see how much you love each other. forget them enjoy your wedding and Love each other till the day you die ♡

  8. Awww I am so so sorry Sarah about your parents reaction :( they are the ounces missing out and on your beautiful day.... Lots of love xxx

  9. Sarah, I am very sorry about your parents reaction but it is their loss... they will miss out on one of the happiest days of your life... they will be sorry down the road.

    Enjoy planning your beautiful day:)

  10. Hi Sarah

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm in a similar position and knowing how my folks have reacted in the past over insignificant things (they kicked off when we bought a dog together!) I made the difficult decision not to even let them know about our wedding until after we're married. Every significant and happy occasion in mine and Sal's relationship has been tarnished by their over reaction and hurtful (often extreme) comments and behaviour. I'm an only child and so will no members of my family at our wedding (I'm forbidden to tell any of my extended family about our relationship) but I now consider Sal's family as my own and have amazing friends who are more like family to me.

    My parents demand a relationship with me but I've considered cutting them off in the past (especially when my mother threatened to stab Sal on my 30th birthday meal!) and when they demanded I have a blood test to prove I'm genetically gay (my mum is convinced there is such a test!) only then will they accept my sexuality.

    You must live your life that's true to you. Laura is your family now and you must put you both first. It's not your responsibility to make your parents happy or accept you. You sound like a really strong person and have an amazing relationship with Laura.

    Stay strong,
    Georgina (gbeesh) xxx


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