The Top Five Regrets of the Dying

Not to turn morbid at the beginning the Christmas season, but I read an article the day after Thanksgiving that got me thinking! Laura’s ‘Thankful’ post highlighted a few reasons we are incredibly lucky, if we were to list of all the reasons it would take hours, but in this post I thought I would reference an interesting article I read the other day- ‘The top five regrets of the dying’ – from the DailyMail.com (hate the fact that it’s the only online paper I can access!!!!).

When life is going so well, I have a tendency to look for the ‘BUT’. It makes me feel nervous that everything is going to plan – it shouldn't but it does. Over our almost five years together L has gone a long way to removing the cynic in me but the logical side of my brain feels the need to look at every eventuality – the what if’s. Having said that as much as these past few months have been the best we've had in setting ourselves up we have had our share of challenges and the sadness of losing Abby – an irreplaceable loss! It puts the joy and happiness into perspective.

However, very little will stop us or hold us back, money will come and go and must be managed, it must not be the be all and end all though. Over the years we have written this blog we have swung between having money to barely having any. From getting bonuses to having to ‘eat everything in the cupboard’ as we couldn't afford our weekly shop – damn unexpected bills and cars!! It’s taught us that if we are frugal, not excessive and most importantly SAVE we can do just about anything. Backed up by a credit card to catch the great deals and stop us missing out on opportunities we can balance our books and spend money where we want. We don’t really drink, we don’t smoke and we don’t shop excessively or spend money on brands – especially designer – our joy comes from holidays and spending our savings on our house, days out and trips together and really experiencing life! After all, you don’t need designer clothes in Iceland no-one EVER sees under the big coat!

But this isn't a savings guide or a spending guide, I just thought the context was important! Laura and I both agree on a mantra for our lives ‘life is for living’. I have seen age do terrible things to people from bad backs to false hips, from ME to MS, from blindness to cancer, and if I take any lessons from seeing loved ones suffer it is that you have to do things while you can. The theory of saving for a rainy day is a good one as long as that day comes. Both my Aunt and Mum were young-ish when they had kids and both planned to ‘see the world’ when their kids were grown but financial worry and health challenges mean travel is not easy. All their ‘when they're older’ plans have had to change. I never want to look back and say ‘I wished I’d done that when I had the chance’.

And so, to return to the ‘The top five regrets of the dying’ - they are:

I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me
I wish I hadn't worked so hard
I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
I wish that I had let myself be happier

Deep, right?!

And now my thoughts on each of them.

I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me
Coming out and being true to myself was one of the most liberating things I could have ever done. I was never suppressed or lacking courage as such, I was just unsure of myself and thought conforming was what was best. I would have missed out on so much had I not – with L’s help – found the strength to be myself!

I wish I hadn't worked so hard
The work thing can be a challenge. If I love what I’m doing I don’t see my job as work, I see it as an opportunity to talk to like-minded people, share ideas and help people. No I’m not a minister! I’m a training advisor – but seriously, when I've had a good day at work I bound home wanting to tell L about the exciting things I’m doing. When I worked in Marks and Spencer’s and Asda I loved making people’s day – it was so simple, provide service with a smile. Working has never been awful for me, I just need to make sure I’m in the right job and if things aren’t working – change it! Life is too short to hate where you spend most of your time!

I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings
Courage to express feelings – this one more than the others surprised me, to explain further the article says ‘Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.' In some ways I am glad that I’ve always felt the need to say my piece. I value the people in my life too highly to not express feelings. If someone has upset me I’d rather give them the opportunity to understand why I’m upset. If I see something wrong, I say it. Wrongly or rightly it’s better to be honest – right?!

I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
Life is so busy but one thing Laura and I both agree on is prioritising quality time with each other – it was highlighted in our love languages post that it is important to both of us – however we both also value time with our friends. Thankfully we share almost all of our friends, ones we had previously are now our friends and it makes it so we can really give them time without being apart. One friend in particular started off as my Manager at a job I loved, she employed me some 8 or 9 years ago and even though distance wise we aren’t close (in British terms) I know that we will always be friends. When I introduced her to Laura the two hit it off and probably have more in common than I do with her – it makes our evenings together great. The time may be short but we’ll have a life time of evenings so there’s no rush!

We also spent Thanksgiving with one of Laura’s friends from school – I may have met her just over a year ago but I think she’s amazing and think we are lucky that she’s in our lives. As well as dating a man who makes a delicious turkey, she gives L the chance to reminisce and me the chance to hear all their old school stories. The time we spend together is NEVER dull!

I digress! What I mean to say is I never want that regret, there are a few people who have moved out of our lives that we are grateful that Facebook keeps us in touch with and there are friends we wished lived closer (Australia is WAY too far) but I know that when money allows we will spend it visiting the people we miss the most. Friends are the family you pick after all!

I wish that I had let myself be happier
Finally ‘I wished I’d let myself be happier’. The article mentions that this is often due to fear of change. People would rather stick to what they know if it’s OK rather than risk it to be happy. The best way I can think of saying I learnt this lesson weirdly relates to food. Before I met Laura, and even at the start of our relationship, my first reaction to a new food was usually ‘I don’t like it’. Often I’d never tried it or anything like it but by the look or description I was convinced I didn’t like it and my life was fine without it. Cheese. Sweet potato. Parsnips. Green beans. Kiwi’s. Pate. The list goes on. Now I love melted Camembert with pate – to think I had 26 years without either. I’m not saying that it changed my fundamental happiness but if I broaden the theory to my own life, thinking about missed opportunities, I do understand how fear means you miss out on things big and little. I just hope I never have to look back and say ‘I wished I allowed myself to be happy’.

Preaching session over!

Seriously though it does make you think! I never miss an opportunity to say I love you. I never consider or wait to text loved ones and friends – it’s makes my day when someone texts me and tells me they are thinking of me, or I get Facebook comment or a blog comment or make that any comment in any format- just the evidence that I’m / we’re thought off means something and I hope I always reciprocate.

So here’s to a life that means those regrets don’t feature in my dying days – may they be very far away!