Baby Blogging: Mum Guilt!

For years I have heard the term 'Mum guilt' and always associated it with working Mum's feeling like they weren't around enough for their kids. However I am at home or with Annabelle almost 100% of the time and I still suffer from Mum guilt.

I have therefore concluded 'Mum guilt' is so much more than just a lack of time or attention.

From the moment we knew we were pregnant I worried. I worried about staying pregnant. I worried about eating the right diet to make sure Annabelle would be healthy. I worried if we were singing/talking to her enough to help her develop. I worried about getting sick as I didn't want to take meds that could impact the growing baby. I worried about anything and everything and as Laura frequently pointed out that worry wasn't helping anyone, let alone Annabelle.

Then when Annabelle arrived I breathed a sigh of relief. Our baby girl was healthy and happy and my job as baby carrier was done.

Okay I'm still a baby carrier.....if only it was always this easy to protect her

Then came the 'health check' and her heart had a slight murmur so they wanted to keep us in longer. I felt guilty. Thankfully it cleared up and was put down to the valve taken a little longer to close, a very common thing. My guilt subsided and I focused on learning how to be a Mum.

We had a brief few weeks of having nothing to worry about except keeping Annabelle alive and maybe through tiredness or new Mum bliss I stopped feeling guilty.

At 6 weeks we had a hip scan scheduled as Annabelle was breech, which can cause hip development issues. The first scan was terrible. Annabelle cried throughout and I was scolded for not having a dummy - despite never having used one! The results showed her hips weren't settled in the right place. I felt guilty.

Two weeks later we returned and the scan went better, the nurse was nicer and the results were positive. Her hips were finally settled and we were discharged.

Nothing wrong we these legs..or hips!

At 8 weeks we discussed the possibility that Annabelle might have jaundice and were referred to the prolonged jaundice clinic at Birmingham Women's. The first trip was to have bloods, they came back showing that there was low level jaundice and wanted us back in two weeks. We went back and again the jaundice was still there, at a low level but they were worried it may be liver related. They wanted us back for more tests. The guilt was awful. Every blood test involved Annabelle screaming like we had never heard. It was a long process of getting 8 separate samples and it was horrendous. It took every fibre of my being not to stop it and leave.

A little off colour

The third test was the worst. They took the bloods from her hand instead of foot and it was a blood bath! The poor girl was throwing herself around while screaming and the poor doctor who was trying to catch the blood was holding on as much as he could. It was a 10 minute process that left us all drained.

Giving the doctor a smile after the tears!

The conclusions were that the jaundice is now gone but Annabelle has low cortisol levels so we need to head to Birmingham Children's Hospital for a synacthen test where they will take numerous bloods over a 3-4 hour period. I have sobbed with the thought and the guilt keeps me awake. I would swap places with her in a heartbeat. Not being able to explain to her whats going on is awful and nothing seems to comfort her. At the first test I could feed her after and she'd be fine. At the last test she continued crying for 10 minutes after despite my best efforts.

I know I shouldn't but I am racking my brain for what I could have done differently.

And then there is the eczema. I knew this one was inevitable as I suffered badly as a child but I thought it would wait until she was a bit older. When the first patch appeared I moisturised her in coconut oil and promised her I would do anything to stop it itching. Over the weeks it have got worse. From small patches to every part of her being covered and as she tries to scratch it my heart breaks. The guilt goes crazy.

Even with eczema all over her chin she still smiling!

It was while staying at friends and realising we had forgot coconut that the guilt hit me hardest. We arrived late in the evening and I was getting Annabelle ready for bed when I realised. I was about to burst into tears when I decided to hit Google and find out what other household product would work. Thankfully Laura was doing the same and then she found out BREAST MILK was the solution.

Annabelle's back and shoulders flair up every few days

Our poor baby girl is now smothered in breast milk frequently but it works. It really works.

The creams from the doctors are hit and miss and we can't say they are working. We have been told about Childrens' Farm and will try that if needed but honestly the difference with breast milk is incredible. It doesn't address the cause but it certainly deals with the symptom.

Annabelle's cheeks have cleared up but her neck is still irritated :(

My guilt is eased knowing I can at least provide the solution and some relief!

We'll work it out together!

I know this is just the beginning and I will work on training myself to not let the guilt consume me but Annabelle is only 5 months so I'm new to this.